Painting

 

In painting, we come up against ourselves in so many ways.  First are ideas about what it should be. Next are judgments of ourselves that we can’t make it like it should be.  Then, what would people think, what a disaster.  What is beautiful?  What is authentic?  Then, how do I cultivate authentic.  Then, how do I make myself start. How does it feel.  Why do I do it?  Is it meaningful?  Does it have to mean something? It is a great resource because of all of these questions.  I learn from painting every time I put on my grubby clothes and step into the studio, whether I actually paint or not.  I think the biggest lessons have been letting go, not expecting an outcome, allowing the materials to be and do their nature, allowing the beautiful and divine pour forth through me and enjoying the feeling of it.

Lately I’ve been questioning why I do it (or don’t), what’s the point.  I went down to the studio last week, for the first time in months.  I didn’t have high hopes, I was dreading it.  One little thing at a time, put on the headphones, choose some music (Radiohead channel on Pandora this time) put the paint on the pallet (some yellow first, alizarin crimson, white, yellow ochre, raw umber), pour the turpentine, examine the brushes, kick the dirt around a little, get into the song I’m hearing, thin out some white, add a little umber, a little ochre, thin it some more.  And then I throw caution to the wind and put the brush to the canvas, swish it around a bit, add some more.  And, UGGGH, that was the hardest part.  Another hard part comes when I’ve done something that I like, but it’s clearly not done yet.  There’s more to be done, but I can’t figure out how to proceed.  I don’t want to ruin it.

Basically, I’m reminded of what I do.  I’m shown how I bring forth the world I inhabit, and what that world looks and feels like, every time I go into the studio. Creating a space to do such explorations (and doing them) is something anyone could benefit from.  There is such great resistance to in our culture and ourselves.